People often describe narcissists as arrogant, selfish, and lacking empathy. While these words reflect some of their outward behaviour, they do not explain how someone with NPD feels inside or why they react the way they do when their sense of worth, importance, or connection is at risk.
Let’s take a deeper view; Imagine someone receives criticism from a partner. On the behavioural level, this person may become dismissive, defensive or angry. This may appear as tremendous confidence, as the response to the criticism is immediate, forceful, and projected back to the partner, without consideration or curiosity.
If we slow the process down and look beneath the surface, the picture is usually more fragile than the behaviour suggests. The criticism may be deeply experienced as a failure to meet the partner’s expectations. On an even deeper level, the person may experience intense fear that if they are not exceptional, they may not be valued and could potentially be rejected.
This is one of the paradoxes of narcissistic functioning: a strong need to feel significant, coexisting with a deeply vulnerable sense of self. The person may have learned, consciously or unconsciously, that being special, successful, powerful, attractive, intelligent or admired is what gives them emotional security.
Similarly, they may have learned that being special, successful, powerful, attractive, intelligent or admired helps them feel secure and valued. Over time, their sense of self-worth can become tied to how others perceive them, leaving them reliant on external recognition to feel that they matter.
Consequently, admiration is nourishing, whereas criticism feels like an attack. The latter is fiercely guarded against, as a protective measure, to avoid painful shame and vulnerability. Emotions, such as anger, contempt, blame, or withdrawal are employed to avoid engaging with vulnerability. These defensive responses may temporarily restore a sense of power when the underlying experience is one of helplessness or inadequacy.
Narcissistic patterns can cause considerable relational damage. A partner may feel unseen, controlled or constantly required to validate the other person’s worth. Their needs can become secondary because the relationship becomes organised around protecting the narcissistic person’s self-esteem.
Understanding NPD does not mean approving of detrimental behaviour, but it has the potential to relieve the burden on the partner who frequently feels confused. Sometimes the person’s capacity to recognise another person’s emotional reality becomes compromised when their own sense of self is under threat. Their emotional system becomes preoccupied with defending itself. Leaving little psychological space to explore.
Beneath narcissistic defences, there can be a profound longing to be valued, respected, admired and securely connected. However, the strategies used to obtain that connection can paradoxically make genuine intimacy almost impossible.
The Narcissistic structure has its roots in childhood, as do other personality disorders. In my view, NPD can be treated, but treatment can be complex, gradual, and emotionally demanding. There is no consensus that NPD is untreatable. Rather, the central question is how to help someone develop a more stable sense of self-worth, tolerate vulnerability, and build relationships in which other people’s feelings and needs can genuinely matter alongside their own.
One of the difficulties is that a person may not initially experience their narcissistic patterns as the problem. They may seek help because of a relationship breakdown, depression, workplace conflict or a personal crisis, rather than because they recognise a persistent difficulty with self-worth or empathy.
Author: Heather Delaney, Registered Clinical Psychologist
